Truckin

I come to you today in a slightly more rejuvenated place. I got some much needed sleep and alone time last night. While the questions, fears and introspective mullings remain, they are quieter. For that, I am grateful. I was feeling completely overwhelmed and it took the advice and guidance of some wonderful ladies to pull me up. I haven't started wearing my superhero underoos on the outside of my pants yet, but I will get there again.

I have been like a raw nerve lately, to the point where I'm smoking, drinking and scowling excessively. I was in such a dark place yesterday that I almost snapped at this crazy old lady prophesizing on the 4 train. Under normal conditions, I would have just turned up my ipod to drown out the blathering and yelling, but not yesterday. Yesterday, I stubbornly tried to continue reading a magazine and allowed for my brain to soak in the rantings. And this woman could project! I don't think she swallowed or took a break for 30 minutes while I looked helplessly at the other passengers. I was thisclose to screaming at her to respect her fellow man and shut the fuck up. But, I didn't. I'm actually proud of myself for exhibiting manners and self control in the face of a total raging meltdown.

The moral of the story is that I am powering through this craziness and allowing myself to feel my feelings. A very wise woman's words are remaining in my head and I have to take the good with the bad. I am trying to allow myself to feel vulnerable, not turn rejection into self deprecation and to keep fighting the good fight. I can do this.