we built this city

Hello, Friday, you feel like Tuesday. So, I'm working all weekend because I start facilitating a new class Sunday and I am horribly backed up at work on account of being out sick. Part of me is glad to be refocusing my energy into productivity, while the other resents the hell out of not really having any plans to speak of. People are busy, in relationships or have just plain vanished. The resulting feeling is one of loneliness. Much of my time has been spent going on 1st, 2nd and 3rd dates that have gone absolutely nowhere. In the interim, I have lost touch with some folks and I am fully absorbing the effects today. I have been alone a majority of the week, but not the rejuvenating alone time we all need. It was quarantined alone time while I was physically ill. Needless to say, I am a bit restless and in need of some friend time. Roomie who was supposed to come home after days of prolonged absence is doing homework at her boyfriend's apt. tonight. I know, I think it's weird too.

Solitude is something that I am growing accustomed to. Back in Tally, I romanticized the idea of me and the city. The city and me. It sounded delicious because I have had such a love affair with this place for so many years. Now I am here and I think I need to get back to my illicit affair. Tonight, I am going on a date with my paramour. The possibilities are endless and we'll see where my feet take me from here.   

She lives!

Well, more like, she exists currently at 67.6% of her normal capacity!! Yes, friends, it has been a doozie. I was dealt a bit of the strep and left the house this beautiful morn for the first time in 4 days. First thing I did on this glorious day? Hopped on the 3 and headed to the office. Not the celebration I had hoped, but I have never been so happy to be at work. Around other humans. And no longer shuffling around my empty apartment in old pjs, slippers and a robe. With crazy hair and dishevled memories of what I used to look like. I could go on like this, but you get my drift.

One thing that impending death or wishing for said death does is provide some perspective. While isolated in my ivory tower (actual building is ivory with columns), I came to some pretty importante conclusions about some stuff.

1. I have got to stop burning the candle at both ends. No more goin' out like I have a month left on this earth. If God wants me to get laid, then it will be brought forth. I'm done chasin' strange for the time being.

2. I need a rug.

3. I have got to focus on the ol' jobby job and get better with my time management. I have felt inadequate in my roll and I know it's because I haven't been entirely focused. (see item #1)

4. I need to get a hobby or join a group of some kind in an effort to meet people of like mind. I am starting this by conducting research on things I'm interested in. Namely, outdoor adventure type groups.

5. I have got to get my computer fixed. It is beyond annoying to have it freeze and lose all my junk repeatedly over the course of an hour. This is especially important because I start teaching a new semester on Sunday and need my shit to operate. Also, refer to #'s 1 and 3- it's all tied in.

I missed you all! Hope your days are fantastic!

<3

Adrienne

p.s. the pic is of Prospect Park. I live by it. Refer to #4. I know, right??

Truckin

I come to you today in a slightly more rejuvenated place. I got some much needed sleep and alone time last night. While the questions, fears and introspective mullings remain, they are quieter. For that, I am grateful. I was feeling completely overwhelmed and it took the advice and guidance of some wonderful ladies to pull me up. I haven't started wearing my superhero underoos on the outside of my pants yet, but I will get there again.

I have been like a raw nerve lately, to the point where I'm smoking, drinking and scowling excessively. I was in such a dark place yesterday that I almost snapped at this crazy old lady prophesizing on the 4 train. Under normal conditions, I would have just turned up my ipod to drown out the blathering and yelling, but not yesterday. Yesterday, I stubbornly tried to continue reading a magazine and allowed for my brain to soak in the rantings. And this woman could project! I don't think she swallowed or took a break for 30 minutes while I looked helplessly at the other passengers. I was thisclose to screaming at her to respect her fellow man and shut the fuck up. But, I didn't. I'm actually proud of myself for exhibiting manners and self control in the face of a total raging meltdown.

The moral of the story is that I am powering through this craziness and allowing myself to feel my feelings. A very wise woman's words are remaining in my head and I have to take the good with the bad. I am trying to allow myself to feel vulnerable, not turn rejection into self deprecation and to keep fighting the good fight. I can do this.

Yo conozco

I have been in a very contemplative place the last couple of days. I have spent a significant amount of time mulling over the types of people that I tend to attract. Not just friends and lovers, but folks on the fringe as well. The conclusion that I have come to is that I am a magnet for the artistic, transient, whirlwind types who have a penchant for boozing/drugging. What I find most intriguing about that is I only posess trace amounts of those qualities. Yet, I am almost sought out by these types who often end up disappointing and hurting me. Not because it is intentional, but rather, it is the essence of their very nature. Irony personified. I do feel it necessary to make a disclaimer, that by no means is this the case for my dear ones. I am referring more to those who sit just outside or far away from that circle.

So, armed with this knowledge, how does one go about sheparding in a flock who do not seek to destroy my temple? I can only think that this is a two way street. Then the question becomes: what must I do to change my attraction to the self destructive?

I'm working on it.

<3
Adrienne

Crisis overted.

Oh and was it ever! So in the course of internet dating, you are "talking" to a few different people on any given day. Most of the time, you are ignoring winks or messages from undesirables. On day 2 of the interwebs dating experiment, I get a friendly, slightly flirtatious message from a guy named Patrick. I was intrigued and took a gander at his profile. He was midly attractive, but his profession (composer/musician) and his "about me" info was funny and charming.

I decided to write him back and begin a dialogue. We quickly swapped email addresses and began a long winded exchange for about 2 days. I was enjoying it and appreciated his culinary prowess and witty banter. So....I gave him my phone number. Rookie mistake. I get a borage of texts asking when I can meet up, etc. I was uncomfortable with his persistance, but wrote it off as the NYC dating scene. Which admittedly is very fast paced because there are so many people here, the chances of seeing them again are slim to none. We made plans for Monday night, but due to some tummy problems, I cancelled and said that we could possibly meet up later in the evening. Around 9pm he texts me my status, to which I reply I'm not feeling well at all and I'm in for the night. He writes back, "you suck". Well, that pissed me off. A lot. My roomie, "C", told me to forget him and not talk to him again. I concurred but he wrote he was sorry and didn't mean to offend me. Red flags flying high, I accepted his apology and told him we could meet Thursday instead. He agreed but was texting me constantly, to the point that I felt like I was being stalked. No good.

Tuesday night: I had a girly date with C, and was rehashing this scenario with her. She asked to see his profile because this situation sounded a bit too familiar to her. I whip out my computer and show her his picture. Not only had C been talking to him back in November, he was the guy who sent her a picture of another girl yanking on his junk during the course of an GChat! C went into her computer and showed me the archived chat with him and it was horrifying. He was aggressive and rude, even when she told him to never contact her again, he asked if she liked what she saw.

Done and done. 

I promise you dear readers that I have learned my lesson. I will solemnly swear to listen to my gut and no longer give the benefit of the doubt. Also- all people will be screened by C or another third party prior to my meeting them in person.

<3
Adrienne

Well well well.....

Instead of my usual banter about the state of affairs in my brain, I have decided to share some personal and.....wait for it....illicit details of my budding, ahem, dating life in the big city. Now, keep your pants on folks. There are no sordid details, but there is humor. And that is something that I can't live without. So here goes.....

I have been living in Brooklyn for about 6 weeks now. Prior to that, I had been single, and I mean s.i.n.g.l.e. for roughly 2 years. So naturally, I get up here and all of the randy comes pouring out of me like a fire hydrant on a hot summer day in NY. This city is a buffet and that is no exaggeration. Tall, short, fit, fat, every ethnicity you could shake a stick at and they are everywhere, swarming me on a daily basis. What's a girl to do? Not trade texts with her ex boyfriend that broke her heart, of course...oh wait, that did happen on a whiskey soaked night during week 4. No matter! Moving forward. My roomie decided to have an intervention: Adrienne is going to go on the interwebs to discover eligible bachelors in the general vicinity that would like to go on fun dates. Thus, the OKCupid profile emerges from the darkness and put out on the interwebs for all to judge, browse and ultimately make a final decision about. If you know me at all- you know that I am not an exhibitionist and this whole scenario makes me widly uncomfortable. But, I have decided to stick with it. For now. Oh and for the stories.

Date 1: Baconplayboy aka John. Occupation: Dermatological Reconstructive Surgeon. Not only did I see the red flags with this one (see screen name), but I actively ignored them because I chose to give the benefit of the doubt to this douche. To start off the magical evening, he was 20 minutes late and come to find out, the damn bar was a BLOCK from his house when he knew I had to take the bus in order to get to this part of Brooklyn. Douche bag 2/ Adrienne 0.

As the evening progressed, it became very apparent that this guy only wanted a one night stand. Perhaps the tip off should have been when I removed my coat and he gives me the up and down and says, "nice". Why didn't I just leave then?? Answer: I am nice and hoped he was using bad humor. It just went downhill from there. Inappropriate comments, touching, etc. Then, at one point I was mid-sentence and he leans in, grabs the back of my head and forcefully kisses me and says, "not bad for being rusty". Douche bag 854/ Adrienne 0

As uncomfortable/ miserable as I was, a girl has got to eat and I was famished. So, he walked us over to an amazing burger joint that I love called DuMont Burger where he proceeds to order a bunch of stuff. This place is not cheap folks. When the bill comes, he tells me he is cash poor and asks if he can just "get me back". I reluctantly pull out my card and PAY FOR THE ENTIRE MEAL. Reminder- he is a SURGEON. Fuck that.

End of story: I called a car and got the hell out of there. Do I even need to mention that he didn't pay for that either? Final score- Douche bag 5,879/ Adrienne 0

Stay tuned for my next story about the guy I was talking to who turned out to be a despicable human being.

<3
Adrienne

I have arrived

Well, sort of. I mean I am here in the city, finally and living my life. I have a job, I have an apartment, I have new and old belongings, I have familiar and foreign places. Sprinkle that with a few choice people and Voila! Life so far in NYC.

I looked back at my few blogs before I made the journey and it's interesting that my head space isn't much different. Whirling, swirling, tumultuous mixed with peace. That's me! It's just now, I don't have the creature comforts of home or the people that I relied on for so long as a sanctuary. The process has been fascinating, infuriating and confusing. I am learning to forge new relationships, pathways and nooks for myself here. I love this city. I don't even mind that my boogers are not the right color at the end of most days or that my skin has weird little bumps that are inexplicable. P says it's the air up here and that I need to just be prepared for my body to go through changes too. WHAT?!! You mean I have to deal with physiological AND emotional issues? Aw, man. Crap. Ok. I am. The Sanford and Son loop that has played in my head since childhood has been merged with the Facts of Life theme song now too.

Remind me to get a casio keyboard and plink that one out for you.

More to follow. I'm taking myself home for a mani/pedi/wine and sausage party with the roomie.

<3